


Casual (Isn't Something I Can Do)

by gallantrejoinder



Series: Acts of Service [3]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Femslash, First Kiss, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Kissing Lessons, Lesbian Character of Color, POV Character of Color, POV Third Person Limited, Panic Attacks, Really this is all about Farah submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known, That makes it sound sexy, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-06-27 12:56:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantrejoinder/pseuds/gallantrejoinder
Summary: Farah Black may have come to terms with being a lesbian, but that doesn't mean she's ... out, exactly. And there aren't that many opportunities for closeted lesbians to gain any experience with other women.Enter Tina Tevetino - bisexual, out, and experienced. And more importantly, extremely good at maintaining the "benefits" part of a friends with benefits arangement.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to make a disclaimer here in case anyone is worried about the portrayal of Tina as a bisexual woman who's had a lot of sex. 1) Tina canonically likes having a lot of sex and that's fine! 2) Given her backstory I think it's safe to say she has some abandonment issues, and that makes long-term relationships difficult. 3) This is going to be a story about different kinds of vulnerability; emotional, sexual, physical, etc. Both Tina and Farah are going to Go Through It together. 
> 
> I wanted to explore and deconstruct the "promiscuous bisexual" stereotype, and I hope I'll be successful at that. If you have a genuine concern I'm totally open to hearing that but I hope you'll still allow for the story to progress before making any harsh judgements, I promise I have only genuine intentions.
> 
> FINALLY, this is a prequel/different POV of [Caretaking is an Art (But I'm No Artist)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18788299/), basically showing what Farah was up to with Tina that whole time! The timelines do not quiiiiiiiite match up perfectly because this was a spontaneous fic, but I'm hoping you'll forgive me, I've done my best to make them line up at least roughly.

Texting Tina Tevetino is an adventure in discovering just how outmoded Farah’s methods of communication really are.

For one thing, _apparently_ Farah uses capital letters and punctuation all wrong – meaning, she uses them at all. It’s not a matter of her being fussy, per se, but the phone automatically corrects errors of that nature, and it would actually be more effort to affect a “low effort” style, so why should she? According to Tina, though, Farah ‘ _types super fancy._ ’

That’s not even getting into how much Farah hates emojis. The fact that peaches and eggplants and water droplets are sex things, but nobody actually _says_ so, is infuriating. And not just because she used to like organising the grocery list on her phone with them.

Snapchat is fun sometimes, Farah can admit that – the filters are funny, and Dirk always makes her try the new ones. Tina has a knack for glitching them out with silly faces. But Farah’s pretty sure that the filters are designed to improve facial recognition technology, which means her face is definitely on record somewhere shady.

(Being on the FBI’s most wanted list for months doesn’t count, because she did that on purpose.)

Still, Tina loves texting Farah. Tina might not be able to explain how a phone actually works, but she uses hers instinctively, with an ease that Farah has only experienced via heavy weaponry. Strings of emoji-laden texts and heavily filtered snaps are constantly pouring into Farah’s phone, and it would be rude not to answer. Besides which, of course, there’s the fact that Farah _likes_ Tina.

Tina always explains the latest memes that Lydia sends, and Tina always texts back promptly, and Tina’s the only person Farah knows who hasn’t yet made fun of her anti-social media stance, or called her an old lady. Even Todd, who Farah had been sure would be on her side considering his punk-ish anti-everything attitude, had rolled his eyes when she complained that text-to-speech technology would make it easier for the government to listen in on them. (Dirk, for his part, had patted her reassuringly and said, _Farah, the government’s already watching us_.)

So yes, the person Farah texts the most happens to be Tina. Maybe it’s also partially because of their shared experiences in Bergsberg. Being shot by one other, and then shooting the mage together – their hands holding the gun between them like they were meant to do it – and the recovery time in the hospital, paid for entirely with the money Lydia left Farah all those months ago … well, all of those things mean they have a … bond. A normal bond between two people who shared a traumatic experience. Farah’s read about traumatic bonding in the aftermath of violence, so it’s nothing to overthink.

But then, there are a couple of pertinent facts that Farah has been forced to consider when it comes to her friendship with Tina.

Fact number one: Farah has, over the past couple of years, finally admitted to herself that she is a lesbian (helped in no small part by an aborted yet strikingly informative experience with Todd while they were on the run, from which he held no grudges, and for which, Farah is grateful.)

Fact number two: Tina is a very out, and very experienced bisexual woman.

Neither of these pieces of information necessarily have anything to do with each other, and if anyone were to ask, Farah would certainly deny that they did, and she’s quite sure she wouldn’t even stutter. Because they don’t. It’s not important.

… But it’s burning a hole in her brain, these unconnected pieces of information. Farah Black, lesbian. Inexperienced. Tina Tevetino, bisexual. Very experienced. (At least going off the number of people that got kicked out of the Bergsberg County Police Station after Sound of Nothing. Which Farah definitely isn’t thinking about, because that would be ridiculous, and Farah is not a ridiculous person who obsesses over her friend’s sexual experiences.)

And _because_ she’s not ridiculous, she’s not going to reply to Tina’s 1 am _literally haven’t been laid in six months_ text with the fact that she, Farah Black, has never been laid.

**I’ve never been laid** , she types out, hitting send.

And then she throws her phone across the room.

Oh, god. Oh _god_. What did she just do? She feels like she’s going to throw up.

She just admitted to Tina that she’s a virgin. _No one_ knows that about her. Well, except Todd. And only because they were drunk and she was crying and they’d just made out and he was being very understanding about the whole thing considering he couldn’t stand up without getting dizzy.

Farah focuses on breathing slowly, trying to stave off a panic attack. She scrunches her bedsheets in her hands, flexing her fingers until the sensation of the cotton is all she’s focused on. When her heartbeat finally evens out, she crawls out of bed to search for her phone, hoping she hasn’t broken it.

She finds it sitting in the corner of her room unharmed, despite the floorboards. Gingerly, she hits the home button, enters her pin, and realises she’s waiting for a text from a girl while crouching in the corner of her bedroom like a freak. There’s been no response yet, so she climbs back into bed, praying Todd didn’t hear her phone hit the wall. His room adjoins hers, and it wouldn’t be the first time one of them has woken the other up in the middle of the night, though usually it’s because of far more bizarre circumstances than this.

A notification pops up just as Farah’s settling back into bed, and her heart skips a beat. _Okay, breathe. Just a text._ A text from Tina. After Farah told her she’s a virgin.

She opens the notification.

_oh fr? i thought u and todd had a Thing_

Farah considers. This isn’t a bad text. It’s a perfectly normal text. The “fr” could mean a number of things, but it mostly connotes surprise, so Tina’s saying that Farah is … attractive enough to have had a girlfriend and/or boyfriend before, specifically Todd, who is – normal? Average to good looking? That’s definitely good.

**No, not really. We made out one time when we were both on the run, and we were really drunk. It was bad. I realised**

No. She can’t tell Tina about that.

… Or, she can. She _could_. Theoretically. Because Tina’s an out bisexual woman, and obviously won’t care if Farah’s a lesbian. _Farah Black: lesbian_. She repeats the phrase in her head until it stops feeling like it’s going to tear her throat to shreds.

**I realised I’m a lesbian.**

She hits send.

And she _doesn’t_ throw her phone across the room this time. She sits very still, and focuses on her breathing, and scrunches the sheets in her fists over and over again. Before she knows it, thirty seconds have passed in this manner, and there’s three new notifications on her phone.

_!!!!!!!!!!_

_dude!_

_omg why didn’t u tell me! honestly u were giving me a Vibe yfm but i didn’t wanna make u uncomf. i gotta say it is a crime u don’t have a gf tho. u got those badass androgynous vibes. like u would protect ur gf like a fabergesdfkgh whatever egg._

That is … a lot to process. A good lot, Farah thinks. Possibly. Tina’s definitely trying to imply that Farah’s attractive here, so that’s positive. More to the point, Tina’s trying to imply that Farah would be attractive to _other women_ via Farah’s apparent “badass androgynous vibes.” The last part of the message has Farah totally lost, though. As she tries to interpret Tina’s keysmash, another text comes in.

_actually yeah i’m gonna say it. it is a CRIME that no woman has had the pleasure of being w farah black. like horizontally._

Oh, well, that’s –

_unless u made out with some ladies too in which case go farah, obvs_

– Disastrous. Of course Farah’s never even kissed a woman. And now she’s told Tina that, and the humiliation is making her cheeks burn. She nervously chews on the skin around her thumb, curled tightly into a ball under the covers. _Breathe, breathe. Slow the heart, the rest will come later_. Another notification pops up, making Farah feel like she’s missed a step going downstairs.

_are u ok? sorry. i kno i come on 2 strong sometimes. but i’m pretty sure my empath powers work at a distance nd i’m getting some major sad vibes from ur end_

Farah types quickly.

**I’m fine. I’m just embarrassed. I know it’s not normal to have reached my age without even kissing someone of the gender I’m interested in. Sorry for dumping all of this on you.**

The typing bubble pops up instantly.

_dude. farah._

_it’s like totally normal. u do not need 2 stress!_

That’s hilarious.

**I’m not stressed** , she writes back, like a liar. **It’s just weird. I know that it’s weird. Who hasn’t kissed someone of their preferred gender by my age?**

The typing bubble pops up, disappears, and pops up again.

_i’ll kiss you._

Farah’s brain stops functioning.

There’s a peculiar lack of words in her head, despite the fact that Farah’s head is never wordless. There’s always something to think about. Something to fear, to obsess over, to analyse. Somehow, right now, there’s nothing at all. The first words to break through the silence are _i’ll kiss you-i’ll kiss you-i’ll kiss you_. In a loop, wrapping around her brain like a net made of just those words. And now she’s started she can’t stop thinking – Tina? Kissing? Tina kissing _her_? Farah? Kissing Tina?

_… u ok far?_

Farah stares at the words on her phone, uncomprehending. Tina offered to kiss her. Tina would kiss her. Tina Tevetino, out bisexual, would kiss Farah Black, semi-closeted lesbian.

**Fine. Hang on.**

Okay, so Farah needs to consider the facts.

Tina offered to kiss Farah. Farah – Farah – is not … opposed to the idea? It would be good practice. For future kissing. Of someone Farah liked. And she likes Tina – albeit in a friends kind of way. So Farah should say yes, but she doesn’t know if Tina’s serious. Meaning Farah should … ask her?

Yes. She’ll ask her.

**Is that a serious offer? The kissing?**

The typing bubble once again appears and disappears.

_yeah! i’m all abt that casual hookup life. tbh it’s actually my only marketable skill lmao_

Casual hook-up. That’s good. Farah can do a casual hook-up, no problem. She rolls over in the blankets, resisting the urge to dig her fingernails into her palms.

**It’s kind of cliché, though. The whole teaching-to-kiss thing. Between women. Wouldn’t it be weirdly patriarchal?**

Oh, good going, Farah. Bring in the patriarchy, that’s very sexy, how will Tina possibly resist?

But it nags at her. It feels like someone, somewhere, is watching her try to navigate this and getting his rocks off, and Farah hates it, hates this feeling of being watched and judged and known. It’s embarrassing, to be attempting something so juvenile.

_oh lol no it’s fine! i mean like 1 we’re both adults and 2 we’re both legit actually into women so it’s more of a fwb situation anyway. genuinely we don’t have 2 do this but i’m d2k (down 2 kiss) if u r???_

That’s a good point. Farah googles ‘fwb meaning’ and decides that it’s fine. Friends with benefits. A casual hook-up. They’re friends, and the benefits are casually hooking up. Farah can do that. She’s an adult woman, she knows what she’s doing.

She takes another breath, and types out her answer.

**I’m down.**

~

A couple of weeks later, Farah finally has a weekend free to visit Bergsberg.

Flying down there is an easier trip than a two day drive, and Farah is, technically speaking, filthy stinkin’ rich from Lydia’s money, so fly she does. Tina’s ridiculously excited to see her again, though apparently Sherlock’s going to be out of town visiting a relative, so they’ll just miss each other, which is a shame.

The whole time Farah’s in the air, she listens to a playlist Dirk put together for her on Spotify, which despite its high energy, is surprisingly relaxing. Probably because it reminds her of being with Dirk. As terrifying as it can be to have Dirk Gently as a friend and colleague, when Farah’s with him, she knows it’s because everything in the Universe is exactly where it’s supposed to be. Plus there’s the fact that he’s absurdly sweet to her, even when she’s messing things up and really doesn’t deserve any kindness.

She only takes her earbuds out when they land. Tina’s meant to be picking her up from the airport, probably in one of the police vehicles, which is completely not allowed, but – well, there’s no stopping Tina when she’s decided on a plan. She’s kinda like Dirk in that way.

“FARAH!”

The excited yell comes from somewhere behind Farah, and she turns to see Tina sprinting towards her. Tina skids to a halt before she can bowl Farah over, which is lucky, because it wouldn’t be the first time that Farah’s training has kicked in at an inappropriate moment and caused her to knock someone down on reflex.

“Hey, Tina,” she says, awkwardly.

“Bring it in, dude,” Tina says with a grin, opening her arms. She hugs Farah thoughtlessly, like it comes easily to her, and Farah focuses on not tensing up as Tina throws her arms around her. Farah closes her eyes, trying not to let the feeling overwhelm her. She’ll never get around to kissing if she can’t even handle hugging Tina.

“So,” Tina says, releasing her, “I was thinking we could go straight back to mine and veg out on the couch for a bit, a little bit o’ the ol’ Netflix and/or chill, I’m cool to hold the chill if you’re having second thoughts, and we should order in tonight – I cleaned up but oh my god dude, I have like no groceries at the moment, so my bad on that.”

Farah blinks nervously several times in a row. “Um, that – that sounds great,” she says, pretending her stomach hadn’t dropped the second Tina said the words “Netflix and/or chill.”

Tina turns to start walking back to the car, which is parked very illegally in the drop-off zone, and Farah falls into step beside her.

“I kinda got into some bad habits back when I was living with Sherlock,” Tina explains, “but you know, I also got _out_ of a lot of bad habits, so I guess it kinda evens out?”

“Mhmm,” Farah hums, distracted. She’s going to Tina’s house. She’s going to make out with Tina. “Are we taking the police car to yours?”

Tina winces. “Ah, yeah, we are. You cool with that?”

“I – sure, yeah, I’m – very cool, why wouldn’t I be cool?” What if her breath smells? She’d made her way through an entire packet of mints on the plane, but still.

“… Okay,” Tina says slowly. They’ve pretty much reached the car by this point, so it’s a few minutes of putting away Farah’s luggage and buckling themselves in before Tina speaks again. “Hey, listen. Farah. If you don’t wanna do anything, like – we don’t have to. I didn’t mean to pressure you or whatever.”

Farah opens her mouth, feels her voice stick in her throat, and closes it. She carefully places her hands on her knees to stop them shaking. “No, it’s fine,” she says, and her voice is calm. “I want to. It’s not a problem.”

Tina looks carefully at her for a moment before starting the car. “Well, you know, so long ’s you’re sure. Anyway, that’s not all we’re gonna do this weekend. I’m about to introduce you to the greatest Bergsberg has to offer!”

Farah can’t help but smile at that. Bergsberg may have had a deeply convoluted mystery attached to it for fifty years – but it’s got very little apart from that to attract attention. Just an underused police station, a Walmart, and … well, Tina.

They head off, Tina continuing to ramble on about whatever’s been going on in Bergsberg. Apparently, Sherlock has a date next week with an officer from the next county over, and he’s been freaking out about it, to Tina’s delight. Farah suggests that Sherlock play up his bullet injuries, and Tina looks thunderstruck, like it’s the best idea she’s ever heard. She immediately tosses Farah her phone and tells Farah to text him.

“Oh – I’ve already got his number on mine,” Farah mumbles.

“Oh, you do? Sorry dude, I wasn’t sure if you talked much.”

“Sometimes,” Farah murmurs. “He said if I – if I ever needed to talk, I should call him.” Farah concentrates on texting so she doesn’t have to look at Tina.

“Have you?” Tina’s voice is almost upsettingly understanding.

Farah shakes her head. “I don’t – I don’t wanna bother him. He’s got more important things to do.”

Tina snorts. “No he doesn’t. Trust me. And if he gave you his number, he wants to hear from you. Believe me, he won’t mind a three AM panic call every once in a while.”

Farah glances over cautiously, but Tina’s expression is as relaxed as ever.

“He won’t?”

Tina shakes her head, and – ah, there’s the regret, right at the edge of her smile. “Nah. Not Sherlock. He rolls with the punches.”

Farah looks down at the phone, and they’re quiet for a few moments, having strayed too close things they don’t talk about very often.

They arrive at Tina’s within the next ten minutes – it’s not much, a tiny house on the edge of some conglomerate farm, a little like Sherlock’s place, from what Farah had briefly seen of it during the whole Wendimoor fiasco. Tina pulls up, gets out, and throws her arms wide.

“Casa Tevetino,” she says. “It’s not much, but honestly? I couch-surfed for like five years, so y’know, I think it’s pretty cool. Uh.” She shoots Farah a slightly embarrassed look, like she didn’t really mean to say the thing about couch-surfing.

“It’s perfect,” Farah reassures her. It feels good to do that – to reassert control, be the one Tina’s looking to for help instead of the other way around.

Tina takes her inside, showing her the tiny fold-out couch where Farah will be sleeping and apologising profusely for not having a spare room to give her. Farah doesn’t mind, though – a room like this with the exit nearby is a decent set-up to sleep in for someone with instincts like hers. The next half hour or so Farah spends neatly unpacking her small suitcase of clothes, checking that all her hidden weapons are where they’re supposed to be. Getting them across state lines isn’t all that difficult, but still, she’s cautious.

She realises that it’s getting late into the afternoon when the sun starts shining directly through the window and into her eyes. Squinting into the light, she looks out over the fields, rustling quietly. All in all it’s not a bad setting for a first kiss. Better than her _actual_ first kiss anyway, which had happened with a boy from her high school, at a party made up of sweaty teenagers and awkward dancing. That was pretty much the last party Farah ever attended. Definitely not her kind of thing.

“So,” says a voice from behind her, and Farah flinches, automatically spinning and raising an arm to defend herself before recognising Tina.

“Woah, sorry! Shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.” Tina looks apologetic.

“No, you – this is your house, sorry.” Farah lowers her arm. “Definitely shouldn’t be, um, practising Brazilian jiu-jitsu here.”

Tina grins. “You’re so badass. I kinda forgot how much shit you know.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know,” Farah mumbles. Like kissing. Like sex _._ Like … other women.

“Well yeah, but that’s whatcha got me for, right?” Tina’s grin fades into something a bit more flirtatious. She steps a little closer to Farah in the light of the window, and Farah’s heartrate skyrockets. “So … I don’t wanna assume anything, but honestly, I’ve found these things tend to go best if they’re spontaneous?”

Farah – can’t even begin to comprehend that. Farah _needs_ to plan, she needs to know what’s coming and how to prepare for it at all times. “Oh,” she says, clearing her throat. “So you want to – right now?”

Tina shrugs. “If you wanna.”

“Of course,” Farah says quickly. “Why wouldn’t I? That’s the whole point of this – it’s not – of course I want to, um, do that. Because I asked to.”

Tina gives her a weird look. “I mean, I’m the one who offered, so it’s like I said, it’s cool if you wanna change your mind.”

“I don’t!” Farah’s voice comes out a little louder than she meant it to.

Tina raises her eyebrows. “Okay. Well …”

And then Tina is leaning in. She’s placing her hand against Farah’s waist. She’s tilting her head to the side. She’s closing her eyes, and leaning in, and _leaning in_ , and Farah feels like she’s going to be sick.

“Stop!” Her voice is high and panicky, and she hates it.

Tina leans back instantly, looking at Farah with worried eyes. She removes her hand, holding it up like a peace offering. “Hey, it’s okay! Not touching, see? It’s cool.”

Farah feels tears pricking at her eyes. She presses her hands to her face. “I’m sorry, I don’t – I don’t know why I – god, I’m so stupid, I’m just this – completely useless, incompetent –”

Tina’s eyes widen, and she leans on the window for support, like Farah’s just said something wounding. “Woah, woah, woah. Okay like – I don’t have time to unpack all of that right now, but incompetent? Farah, kissing’s not like – some skill to master, it’s just – it’s fun. It’s okay to be nervous, y’know? Although, I gotta say dude, you kinda look like you’re having a panic attack?”

There’s a terrible clawing in Farah’s throat, like fingers with sharp nails struggling to get out, and it feels like her lungs have collapsed. She can’t get enough air.

“I think I am,” she whispers faintly, struggling not to hyperventilate.

“Oh! Um. Shit, okay, uh – come sit down.” Tina keeps rambling as she guides Farah to the fold-out bed, but Farah’s tuned out by that point. She breathes harsh, short breaths that aren’t enough for her lungs, and she forces herself to slow. She scrunches the sheets in her hands, making fists over and over again, trying to focus on the cotton between her fingers.

Tina keeps talking. Farah makes herself listen, listen to the nonsense coming out of Tina’s mouth – _it’s okay,_ _just breathe_ , _you’re doing fuckin’ great, Far, keeping going_.

Mercifully, it’s a short attack. Farah actually hasn’t had one at all in months – since she started working for the agency, they’ve been far less frequent. Too much real shit going on for her to be getting wound up over the everyday vagaries of life amongst the living.

She allows herself to lean on Tina’s shoulder. That’s the one thing her dad ever let her do when she got upset as a kid. He wouldn’t hug her, but she could lean on him, because that’s what soldiers did. They propped each other up.

When she feels like she can talk again, she pulls away. “Thank you,” she says quietly. She wipes her eyes, drying her hands on her jeans. Clears her throat and sits up straight. The embarrassment is sitting at the back of her throat, lurking. She can’t let Tina see it.

Tina rubs her back, and Farah realises with a start that Tina’s been doing that this whole time. “Hey, man, it’s all good. I’ve seen worse trips, believe me. Not that you were – I mean, it’s different, but like, it’s also kinda the same?”

Farah lets out a small, wet laugh. “I guess.”

“And it’s chill. I honestly would rather spend the rest of the night actually watching Netflix. We can like – cuddle, if you want? Maybe talk about it?”

Farah nods. That actually does sound sort of nice. Kissing’s definitely off the table for now.

“Um, that sounds great,” she admits. Feeling her chest tense up, she forces the next words out. “But – can we … _not_ talk about … what just happened?”

Farah can feel Tina hesitating, her hand completely still on Farah’s back. Her voice comes out high and unsure when she finally speaks.

“I _meeeeeean_ … sure, like … If you want. But I think this is something you should speak about to someone? Maybe? It doesn’t have to be me, just …” Tina sighs. “I dunno. I’m probably being a huge hypocrite. I just … if I didn’t have Sherlock …”

It occurs to Farah, perhaps for the first time, that Tina really, genuinely cares about her.

Not that that means Farah can take advantage of their friendship and burden her with all the humiliating knowledge of Farah’s incompetence.

“For now,” Farah allows. “Just – don’t make me talk about it for now, please.”

“Okay,” Tina says softly.

And that night, they don’t – they watch Netflix, they order in, and yes, they cuddle. Farah curls up against Tina’s side, resting her head on Tina’s arm, and wishes she was a little bit braver.

~

They spend the next two days alternating between catching up – which is actually really complicated from Farah’s end, considering the weirdness of the average case the agency takes – driving around, and chilling out on the fold-out bed. Farah can’t remember the last time she did so little. Strangely, it doesn’t make her feel antsy and agitated, like she normally gets when there’s nothing to be done.

Then again, since she got shot, she’s pretty much had to slow down a bit – her body can’t always do what it used to, and Farah _would_ just ignore the pain, but the doctor had been pretty clear that if she did that, she’d never get the all clear to start her training routines again. With Tina, as well, it’s easier to relax, to pretend like it’s just for Tina’s sake that they’re resting, as if they didn’t both get shot.

Still, the hour arrives for Farah to leave for the airport, and she remains unkissed. It’s not like she can put off the flight. Todd’s been sending occasional updates via text on the situation at the agency, and it looks like they might soon have a case on their hands, judging by the increasing number of one-eyed teddy bears that are appearing around the neighbourhood nailed to every second door. Dirk and Todd need Farah there, and the thought of going home to a job that needs doing is invigorating.

But still. Farah remains completely and utterly unkissed.

They get to the airport about three hours before Farah’s flight is due to leave, because you can never be too careful, and Farah is very meticulous about storing her weapons in a way that won’t get them taken off her. It’s as she’s performing the third check over her luggage, standing at the hood of the police car, that Tina taps her on the shoulder.

Farah turns to her, about to ask what Tina needs, but she never gets the chance – because Tina steps forward and kisses her on the mouth.

It’s just a peck. It barely lasts two seconds, and then Tina’s stepping back, utter terror on her face.

Farah can’t even _begin_ to think of what to say.

_Tina just kissed you._

… Tina just _kissed_ her.

“I’m so sorry,” Tina blurts out. Her hands are outstretched in front of her like she’s trying to stop a skittish horse from bolting. “I thought – maybe, the element of surprise will help? And you’re about to leave and I figured it was our last chance – your last chance, I mean, uh. I wasn’t trying to do anything like, without your consent, but I figured you were probably totally overthinking things and then I thought _hey, Tina, what if you just kissed her_? But that was. Probably a terrible idea, I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

Farah stares at Tina. _She just kissed you_ , a voice in her head reminds her unhelpfully. “I – I’m fine, I just didn’t expect – that.”

Tina scrunches up her face, looking nervous. “Yeah, but like – no panic attacks oncoming?”

Farah takes a second to consider. But there’s nothing in her throat, no scrabbling, unsettling sensation to make her feel like screaming. Her breathing’s pretty even, all things considered. Her stomach feels a little unsettled, but then, she did just have her first kiss with another woman.

“No … no, I don’t think so.” She looks at Tina and feels … a lightness, somewhere inside her chest. It’s like her anxiety, but – not. It rises up inside her not like a tidal wave, but a cloud, floating to impossible heights.

“Can we –” she stops.

But Tina’s looking at her like she’s lost her breath. “Yeah?”

“Could I – kiss you? Before – before I go?”

Tina nods, her head bobbing up and down at truly remarkable speed. “Yeah! Yeah, oh my – I mean, uh. Sure, whatever.”

Farah decides, over the course of a fraction of a second, to treat the situation like it’s a fight.

She sizes up Tina. Similar height and build. Wide-eyed – she’s startled, so Farah definitely has the advantage here. Of course, Tina took her by surprise initially, but Farah’s turned the tables, so Farah’s in control now, and that feels reassuring, that feels safe. All Farah has to do now is … kiss her.

She puts her hand on Tina’s waist, just like Tina did to her. But then she puts her other palm against Tina’s cheek, tilting her head just so. She moves in, allowing her eyes to close, seeing, just before they do, that Tina’s closed hers. Good. That’s good – and then it’s just a matter of –

She kisses her.

_She_ , Farah Black, kisses _her_ , Tina Tevetino.

Tina’s lips are a little chapped, but still soft, and warm. Her cheek under Farah’s hand is smooth, which shouldn’t be surprising but _is_ , because Farah’s only ever kissed guys, and the knowledge that it’s a woman she’s kissing now makes the cloud in her chest feel like it’s bursting into a sunrise. Farah _knew_ , she _understood_ that she was gay before, but there’s knowing and then there’s _knowing_ , and she hears her own voice in her head screaming _I’m one of the freaks_! And she sounds – so full of joy, and so unashamed, like everything Farah wishes she could be.

And the mechanics of kissing aren’t actually that different from what Farah’s done before. For a second she wonders what she was so worried about. But then Tina begins to kiss her back, and Farah forgets how to think at all. Everything is lost to sensation, Tina’s lips moving against hers, the brush of her tongue, the sound of her breathing. It lasts for what can surely only be a minute or so – nothing in the grand scheme of things, not even a blip on the radar of the Universe – but it feels like everything, this kiss. Or at least it does to Farah.

Tina pulls back first.

Her eyes are still closed, for several seconds after Farah’s opened hers.

“Woah,” Tina breathes. “Damn, girl.”

Farah feels heat rise up in her cheeks. “Was it – okay?”

Tina opens her eyes. “Are you _kidding_? Oh my god, Far. You’re _amazing_. I’ve got no idea what you were so worried about.”

“Oh!” Farah feels a pleasant fluttering sensation in her stomach. “Um, really?”

“Ch- _yeah_!” Tina scoffs. “Honestly, if you weren’t about to get on a plane I’d like, seriously ask you to come back to mine, ’cause, _damn_.”

“You, uh. You were – very good too,” Farah stutters out. For a moment she just looks at Tina, trying to put what she’s feeling into words, but then she remembers where they are – and the fact that her hand is still on Tina’s waist. She lets go quickly. “I – I should probably get going.”

Tina gasps, pressing her hands to her cheeks. “Oh, _shit_ , yeah. I’m so disorganised with this stuff. Uh, you got everything?”

“Yeah, no, I’ve got it,” Farah says, zipping up the last compartment and hauling her suitcase off the hood of the car. She stands awkwardly in front of Tina for a moment. “Well – I guess I’ll see you?”

“Yeah, man, totally!” Tina’s voice cracks in the way it does sometimes, and Farah can’t help it – she leans forward and kisses Tina’s cheek, the barest brush of her lips, but it makes her feel bold – confident. Tina’s eyes are wide when Farah pulls back.

“Bye,” Farah says, sounding a little more shy than she means to.

She turns and walks away, mentally already multitasking what gate she needs to go to and when she’ll need to be there, whether she’ll have time to eat before she has to go – but underneath it all, there’s that lightness, the weightless feeling of having kissed a woman, and having done it well.

And beneath even that, in a secret place somewhere deep inside her heart, there is a name being carved, whether she wills it or not. Still. Farah thinks that of all the names she’s chipped into herself, Tina’s is the only one she’ll never have to worry about, like a bad tattoo – because, after all, Tina’s only a friend, and a friend is not something Farah’s going to break her heart over.


	2. Chapter 2

Farah spends the next four weeks trying and failing not to obsess over kissing Tina.

In that time, she manages to vanquish a wannabe knight from Wisconsin, maximise the potential of her grocery wheel, argue with Todd over the reliability of the office printer, and solve a case with less-arguable-than-usual efficiency. None of those things matter even a little bit compared with the revelation of Tina’s lips.

Farah knows that she’s prone to obsession. She has a good eye for detail, and an uncanny ability to seek out and improve the flaws in a particular design. It’s what makes her such a good detective and bodyguard. But … it’s also what made her fail every exam she attempted in her pursuit of a legitimate career in those fields. She got so worried that the questions were trying to trick her that the words would start to blur before her eyes, her breath coming fast and shallow. And then, inevitably, she’d panic. She’d fail.

Remembering, in agonising detail, over and over again, the memory of Tina’s kiss … it’s probably not healthy. Definitely not normal, despite what she keeps telling herself. But it’s all right. She thinks. She’s in control of it. She’ll trace her lips with her fingertips in the middle of the night and think, _I kissed her. I kissed a woman. I kissed Tina_. And that’s all right, that’s fine, that’s normal for her to do.

(Even on the one occasion, when her body feels like it’s humming with want, when her mouth won’t stop tingling with memories, and she slips a hand down below –

Leading to nothing. As always.

Even then, she’s okay. She’s in control of it.)

It’s not like Farah doesn’t have plenty to do outside of thinking about Tina. Amanda texts on occasion, from wherever she is on the road. They’d barely known each other a week, that first case, but it had been more than enough for Farah to realise that Amanda is exactly the kind of person she _wishes_ she could be. Apparently it had been the same for Amanda.

 _we’re somewhere north of the border_ , Amanda writes, in response to Farah’s inquiry. _no more details! The Man sees all_.

Farah smiles at that. To Amanda, of course, anyone outside her immediate social circle is The Man.

 **Okay. Stay safe**.

_no fuckin way!_

That’s fair. None of them are that anymore. That series of texts takes place during yet another case, resolved in record time – Farah’s been keeping count, and twenty minutes is _definitely_ the new record, no matter what Dirk tries to argue about the missing bluebird that socked him in the jaw.

Farah’s got more than enough to think about.

And yet. The memory of kissing Tina. Kissing Tina, holding her hand, feeling the warmth of Tina’s body at her side, curled up on the sofa-bed watching dumb Netflix romcoms.

Tina is all that Farah can think about, but she’s not going to allow herself to think about _why_.

~

_soooooooooooo … wyd?_

Farah blinks at the unexpected text. It’s gone midnight, again, and Tina’s texting her, again.

This all feels suspiciously familiar.

**WYD?**

_what r u doing!!! obvs not sleeping lmao_

Neither is Tina, by the looks of it.

**No. Not sleeping.**

Farah doesn’t write ‘thinking about you,’ but the thought does cross her mind before she can quash it. _Stupid_. That would be a stupid thing to write.

_thinkin about the kiss haha_

Farah clenches her phone so hard in her hand that it makes a worryingly sharp creaking noise.

There’s an emoji of a pair of eyes at the end of the sentence, which Farah can’t decipher – though she doubts she could figure it out even under normal circumstances. Her heart has rocketed into beating overtime. She stares at the text, frozen with indecision. How is she supposed to respond to that?

_lol just joking haha_

_like i know it wasn’t a big deal or anything dw_

_you still there haha_

Farah focuses on the words long enough to realise she should probably be replying right about now.

**I’m here. I know it wasn’t a big deal for you, don’t worry.**

It _was_ a big deal for Farah, though. She’s a little hurt that Tina apparently can’t see that. But it’s fine, it’s not like Farah actually communicated that particularly well –

_you know id do it again if you wanted, right?_

– And no, nope, Farah definitely did not know that, oh god.

Tina wants to kiss her again.

Well, no, Tina _offered_ to kiss her again, on the off chance that _Farah_ wanted to do it again. Which she doesn’t, obviously, that would be weird and clingy. And creepy.

… But Tina wouldn’t _mind_ doing it again, at least. Tina has, obviously, had a great deal of kissing practice thus far in life, and Farah has, obviously, had very little, so what Farah would bring to the table she has no idea. But Tina did say that Farah had done an all right job, and Farah’s pretty sure that Tina’s not dating anybody or crushing on anybody that she knows of. Tina’s not exactly subtle about that kind of thing – or, well, perhaps _subtle_ is the wrong word. She’s not shy, is the thing.

So, technically speaking, there’s no actual reason they couldn’t kiss again. Or – or, make out, even.

Technically speaking. Theoretically. Academically.

_sorry sorry i didnt mean 2 make u uncomfy_

_u still there?_

**Yes** , Farah scrambles to write, erasing and rewriting the word twice before sending it. She hesitates for a second before forcing herself to keep writing. **You really want to try it again?**

_only if u want to_

_idk_

_i got the feeling u_

_sorry hit enter before i meant to send lol hang on_

_i just thought maybe it could be fun. u seem like u have a lot of anxiety abt this stuff, n like i said if theres 1 thing im good for its casual makeouts. obvs it doesnt have to be w me haha_.

 _Who else would it be?_ The thought flits through Farah’s head before she can stop it, but she quashes it before she can try answering that question. The fact of the matter is that Tina’s a very good friend who’s not holding Farah’s anxiety against her, and that – that means something. That means she’s safe.

 **I’m free in a couple of weeks, actually** , Farah writes, forcing herself to type out the words like this is a casual thing for her. **You know travel’s not much of an issue for me because of Lydia.**

A few seconds later, Farah’s phone lights up again.

_!!!!!!!_

_dude that literally would be amazing omg_

_lowkey but u KNOW its not exciting around here without u_

_tbh if it wasnt for hobbs id be outta here_

_its just like i gotta see the world u know! i watched this crazy documentary one time when i was rly rly fucked up on ambien nd there were these tiny lil frogs in the amazon and then a wasp ate them it was so sad but like at the same time i was like omg i wanna see the amazon u kno?_

_oh fuck sorry offtrack uhhhhhhh_

_yes! come to bergsberg!!!!! n we can make out if u want?_

_uh unless i just misinterpreted that offer big time haha_

Farah feels the corners of her mouth twitching as the texts roll across her screen in quick succession.

**You didn’t. I’ll text you more later. I have to get to sleep now. And so do you!**

And then, because she feels – not bold, exactly, but – _safe_ , that’s it – she sends one last message before turning her phone off.

**And to answer your original question – yes. I was thinking about the kiss.**

~

So a couple of weeks later Farah finds herself back in Bergsberg.

This time Tina meets her with Hobbs, which answers the question of what Farah was going to do when they saw each other. She can’t exactly kiss Tina in front of Hobbs. Not that she was planning to, because that would be stupid. The realisation that she was even thinking about it leaves her flustered and embarrassed, and she probably makes a complete fool of herself when they first greet each other.

Sherlock’s presence is as soothing as ever, though, and the three of them go out for dinner at the pitifully tiny pub that serves Bergsberg for a fancy outing, catching up on all the gossip they have to share. In the case of Tina and Hobbs, there’s not much – only a few repeat offenders ending up in the holding cell, and Sherlock’s reading circle having ruffled a few feathers with last month’s choice of _Gone Girl_. Farah tries to keep the agency’s last few cases to their short versions, but that’s easier said than done.

Eventually, the time comes to part ways. And that’s when Farah remembers what she came down to Bergsberg for. That’s when she starts to feel a simmering sensation in her gut, threatening to boil over into full panic. By the time she and Tina get back to Tina’s place, her breathing is coming way too harshly for Tina not to have noticed. _No, she hasn’t noticed_. She hasn’t noticed, right?

“Um, hey, Farah?”

Oh god she’s definitely noticed.

“You okay? Remember, we don’t – have to do anything. Like, it’s cool, we can just watch movies again if you want.” Tina’s voice is reassuring. Farah wishes it was working on her.

“I just – I –” Farah squeezes her eyes shut, forcing herself to breathe slowly. When she’s sure she can speak with a steady voice again, she opens her eyes, turning to face Tina, whose wide eyes are radiating concern. “I want you to – take me by surprise? I don’t think I can – I’ve built it up in my head, and I –”

“No, hey, it’s fine,” Tina says gently, interrupting Farah’s rambling. Farah’s never been more grateful. “Look, let’s – like, go inside first, yeah? Then we can worry about that stuff.”

Farah nods gratefully.

“And, hey, um, Far?” Tina sounds unexpectedly nervous, and Farah turns to her with a question on her lips.

The questions dies as the reason for Tina’s anxiety becomes obvious – she leans forward and kisses Farah without warning. It’s a quick peck – nothing at all to their kisses at the airport.

But it startles Farah into laughter, and suddenly, she feels a thousand times lighter.

That’s how it starts – the kissing. Starts properly, that is. They’d kissed last time, but it becomes – so much easier, this second visit. In truth, they spend more of their time sneaking kisses from one another than – pretty much anything else. The next twenty four hours are spent kissing, eating, starting a movie, kissing, forgetting to finish the movie, kissing, sleeping, and still, more kissing.

Every few hours, Farah’s brain seems to remember that she’s _not_ a kissing person – she’s an overthinking person, a stress-head of a person, a cortisol-for-days-with-room-for-extra kind of person. Her body seizes up with anxiety, her heart begins to race –

And then Tina kisses her again, like it’s nothing, and the feeling dissipates like air.

The kisses grow, unfurl into things which linger on her lips. She kisses Tina _back_ , kisses her again and again and again until, finally, she loses count, and the tracker in the back of her mind dies a peaceful death in the heat of Tina’s mouth.

Saturday night finds them lying together on the foldout sofa, watching a movie, only –

They’re not really watching the movie.

Tina’s got a mouth that so incredibly soft. Sometimes it feels like Tina’s made of sparks and glitter and bubble-burst energy, but her kisses – they’re slow, and sweet, and so far from what Farah ever would have expected, had she dared to expect anything at all. Thing is, though – Farah knows those kisses now. She knows how gentle Tina can be. And she’s curious about what it’ll take to get Tina to feel –

Well, _any_ approximation of how Farah feels. Like there’s a front moving forward across the ocean, like it could stay that way, far off, but – Farah doesn’t want to let it. She wants to chase it, build it into waves on a roiling sea. And she wants to know if Tina feels it too.

So she strokes Tina’s the outline of Tina’s lips with her tongue, and feels Tina moan against her mouth.

And then she pulls back, startled, her cheeks flushing with warmth. “I’m – I’m sorry,” she stutters out.

Tina’s eyes are still closed. “Don’t, uhh …” Her voice is higher than usual, tempered by breath. “Don’t apologise.” She opens her eyes, wide in her face, like she can’t quite believe the situation.

“Was that – okay?” Farah can’t keep the nerves out her voice, and she wishes – she wishes she’d done this sooner, that she was able to kiss Tina the way Tina deserves to be kissed, instead of all this embarrassing fumbling.

Tina makes a loud noise somewhere between a snort and a cry of indignation. “Uh, _yeah_ , Farah, that was all right! Shit, I mean – like, obviously it was fine, I’m just … Ugh, I reacted so … over-the-top, you know? Honestly, I should be apologising.”

“Don’t apologise! I wanted you to – I mean,” and god, it feels like her whole face is aflame now, “I – was hoping that you’d … like it.”

Tina’s whole face is pink, with embarrassment or maybe – maybe something else. “I did,” she says, and there’s that smile, the one that Farah always misses the most back in Seattle. “You could, uh … do it again, you know.”

Farah pauses to assess the situation. Tina’s all rumpled from the way they’ve been lying next to each other on the sofa bed – her oversized sleep shirt is all wrinkled, but still covering her – Farah hadn’t dared put a hand underneath it, had simply wrapped her arm around Tina’s waist, already overwhelmed by the feeling of Tina’s body against hers. Tina’s shorts are all bunched up around her thighs, revealing … a really, really nice pair of legs, which Farah has somehow never noticed before. Tina looks comfortable and warm, and completely and utterly ready for Farah to do – _something_ to her. Anything, maybe, going by the way she’s biting her lip. Farah tries not to stare.

But it’s a rush. Seeing someone look at her like that.

She leans in – but not to kiss Tina’s mouth. She kisses Tina’s neck instead. Softly at first, listening carefully for the sound of Tina’s sudden, sharp intake of breath.

“Is this okay?” Farah whispers, her lips still just brushing the soft skin of Tina’s neck.

“Yeah,” Tina breathes. “Yeah, Far.”

So Farah does it again, kissing Tina’s neck with careful precision. Pressing her lips to every part of Tina’s throat like it’s the last time she’ll ever be allowed such a luxury. There are no cruel voices in the back of her head, no wire-trip alarms to ruin her mind without warning. Only quiet concentration, listening for the quietest sign from Tina that what she’s doing is right.

She opens her mouth, runs her tongue along Tina’s pulse point, and swears she can feel Tina’s heart begin to race. Or maybe it’s just Tina making a sound, from somewhere deep in her chest, her fingers clenching against Farah’s back, trying to find somewhere to cling onto. Farah … Farah _smiles_ against Tina’s neck, entirely surprised by herself, but proud too.

She keeps going. Sucking bruises into Tina’s collarbone when it makes Tina moan, nipping at the delicate skin of Tina’s jaw, losing herself in the precision of it, the skill of it, the intensity of having Tina entirely fixated on her and yet – _not_ ; there’s no judgement in the way Tina responds to her, only pleasure, only gratitude, only …

Farah pulls back.

Tina looks up at her, dazed. “I,” she pauses, squeezing her eyes shut, seemingly trying to gather her thoughts. “I don’t know … what you’re so worried about, to be honest, Farah.”

Farah blinks. “What?”

“About the – not being experienced, or whatever, ’cause, damn. I … You know, when you first wanted to try this stuff, I … I thought …” Tina trails off, still staring up at Farah, totally dazed.

Farah finds herself leaning in closer, like she can take the words out of Tina’s mouth and into her own if she just gets close enough. “Thought what?”

Tina’s eyes drop to her mouth, and there’s a look like the rising tide in her eyes. She barely whispers the rest. “I thought, maybe I’ve just been sober way too long, but I swear getting high never felt like this.”

From Tina, that’s a hell of a comparison.

Farah doesn’t know how to top it, so she doesn’t. She closes the distance between them, kissing Tina again, and for the next hour, they don’t talk. They don’t need to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [clears throat] So, it's been. Three months. Um. I have no excuses. 
> 
> Please comment if you enjoyed but I won't blame you if you don't, yikes on the time between updates!

**Author's Note:**

> You guys already know that Brotzly is That Ship for me but it's been ages since I wrote some decent femslash and these are my ROOTS, I'm all about that tiny niche femslash ship life.
> 
> PS: I have no idea if there would be viable flights from Seattle to somewhere close to Bergsberg, so we're just gonna use Fake Geography for this fic, okay?
> 
> [My Tumblr.](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/)


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